Recruitment Jokes and Humour..
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a
lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However,he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve the bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
Corporate lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!"says the admin clerk "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
* Thanks to KG for the Lessons. Shame they were not around when we needed them!
A professional musician goes to an accountancy firm for a job interview. The Partner says
'I note you have only got a C in GCSE maths, what makes you think you can be an accountant?'
The musician replies
'Well, despite the maths result, I can read an 18 part orchestral score in base 7 and 12 simultaneously.'
The Partner says
'I'm sorry, but I require evidence that you can count to ten. Thankyou for your interest in our company, but we are unable to make you an offer at this time..... However, I have always wanted to play the Piano. Could you teach me?'
The musician replies
' I'm sorry but if you can only work in base ten, I require evidence that you have either 7 or twelve fingers, but thankyou for asking.'
The accountant really wants to learn to play the Piano, so he decides to have three fingers surgically removed. After the operation he calls the musician and says
'I'm ready to start learning the piano.'
'Well' says the musician. 'Your assets have certainly depreciated, but at least you are starting from the worst case scenario. If you had added two fingers I would certainly have accounted for only ten. And who can say how two extra fingers may have been used?'
Supplied by - Greg Sheppard of Norwich - Thanks Greg
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Tips for managers and bosses
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
Never introduce me to the people you're with.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and dumped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who dumps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of poo is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of poo, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
'I need someone with an accounting degree,' the man said. 'But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.'
'Excuse me?' the accountant said.
'I worry about a lot of things,' the man said. 'But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.'
'I see,' the accountant said. 'And how much does the job pay?'
'I'll start you at eighty thousand.'
'Eighty thousand pounds!' the accountant exclaimed. 'How can such a small business afford a sum like that?'
'That,' the owner said, 'is your first worry.'
Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
'I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,' said the man.
'To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.'
The son-in-law interrupted, 'I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.'
'I see,' replied the father-in-law, 'Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.'
'I hate office work,' said the son-on-law. 'I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.'
'Wait a minute,' said the father-in-law. 'I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?'
'Easy,' said the young man. 'Buy me out.'
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says 'You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees'.
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says 'You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?'
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others 'Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?'
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says 'You PRAT! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one cleaner and it got noticed. So hereafter please do not eat a person who is working.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young marketing executive, 'what starting salary were you looking for?'
The candidate said, 'Somewhere around 100,000 pounds a year, depending on the benefits package.'
The HR Person said, 'Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks holiday, bank holidays, full medical and dental, full pension, and a company car replaced every 2 years with all the tax paid. The Engineer sat up straight and said, 'Wow!!! Are you kidding?'
The HR Person said, B****y right I am, but you started it.'
An inter-office football match was held every year between the Marketing and IT teams of one company.The IT team beat the Marketing Department easily. To show just 'how' the Marketing Department earns their keep, they posted a memo on the bulletin board after the game: - The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2005 Football Season, we finished in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The IT Boys, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game this entire season
Top 10 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, '...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].
One for the IT people out there - A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be 20,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage.
He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, 30,000! What does it do?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says 80,000.
He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Well, if you got this far you must have enjoyed them! If you have any good business related jokes why not share them with us. We'll even give you the credit! Just pop it on an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org