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EU Referendum - The Badger's View

21 June 2016

I find myself in an awkward situation. I really feel I should vote – but still have no idea which side to support. As someone without much of an interest in politics, I really could do with some impartial guidance. The trouble is that everyone who pops up telling us they are impartial give themselves away if they have to talk for more than 10 mins. They all have a personal angle or viewpoint and before very long, up it pops. From a business point of view we have little or no connection with Europe save for the myriad of Eastern Europeans who just apply for anything and everything, somehow believing that their EU status absolves them from having any need for knowledge or experience in the role they are applying for. So, I guess without that distraction life would be a little easier.

I have never voted in my life. I’m neither proud nor ashamed of the fact. I’m not one of those who feel I have to vote because brave soldiers died in wars. If voting was anything to do with their dying it was so that we could have the choice. I’ve always felt that it only encourages them anyway.

Actually, I did vote once in a recent Police and Crime Commissioners election. But that was a childish, petty thing and aimed simply at being able to look at the post-election photograph to see that arrogant smug smirk of the vanquished replaced by abject horror and disbelief – How dare they vote me out? Do they know who I am? Some years ago I said to myself – “One day you'd think, “what b******d did that?” ……and it would have been me! Well, partly me. You must have been rude and arrogant to a whole bunch more people. Good luck finding a new job Steve. Why not give me a call. I’d love to chat.

I digress, but it has cheered me up a whole load.

One of the problems I have with this vote is that they’ve jumbled themselves up. The beardy, snaggle-toothed, swivel-eyed corduroy sandal wearing loons and the blokes with the shiny faces and slick suits who look mightily uncomfortable when photographed with the jackets and ties gone and their sleeves rolled up, are all swapping sides. How, is that supposed to help me?

The main players:

I look to the main players for inspiration.

“Call me Dave” Cameron. Shiny face, well-polished. But, isn’t he the one who told the biggest whopper of all just to get elected last time? Didn’t he tell us he would have immigration down to less than 100,000? Although, in honesty, who were to mugs believing him? And still he won’t admit it was a porky. Credibility 2/10

Cameron and Osborne

George Osborne – Weasley little bloke. Fatal error. Panicking when the polls started to go against him and he watch his last chance at the big job going out of the window. He stamped his foot and announced to the great unwashed that if we dared to vote against him he would immediately bring in a budget that would slash and burn everything that the great British public held dear. NHS, State Education, Public Transport. All the things posh George has no need for anyway. Credibility – 1/10

Doris Johnson – the world’s finest opportunist. Be honest, don’t we all think there must be someone telling him what to say. Feeding him lines. He gives bumbling buffons a bad name. Imagine a world where Doris is in No 10 and Trump is running America….Credibility – 2/10

Michael Gove Puppet – Joe 90 to his mates. Younger readers can Google pictures and you’ll see what I mean. And he expects us to believe he will take all that saved EU money and pour it into the NHS that he and his masters will never use. Behave. Credibility 1/10

Nigel Farage – A very dangerous man I suspect. Thankfully, I don’t think he’ll ever be allowed anywhere near anything he can do damage with. Credibility – none.

Jezza Corbyn – frankly, still looks amazed that he is where he is anyway. He knows that he’s one daft comment away from being bundled off to Mother Russia and he probably can’t wait for the opportunity. I’ve never heard anyone who can turn every question round to an answer that involved rich people and their corporation riding roughshod over the poor downtrodden masses.

“Why do ice creams melt Mr Corbyn?”

“I’ll tell you why. It’s because the rich manufacturers are producing a product for the proletariat that is designed to be far too expensive and then melt so that the poor downtrodden mothers will need to use even more of their benefits to buy the kids another one. Thus further increasing the wealth of the ruling classes”

Sometimes you just speak the truth Jez but it’s so mixed in with class hatred directed at the shiny faces that no one ever takes you seriously. Credibility – 5/10

Jeremy Corbyn cartoon

Conclusion:

In truth the only conclusion I can come to is that there is no conclusion. I know, dear readers, that this doesn’t help you if you were looking for guidance yourselves, but I’m afraid that’s it. Maybe if there was a F**K EU Party or something it might have held some attraction if only because it would be clever play on words and worth voting for, for that reason alone. But, it’s too late to start one now.

OK, hop on the fence time. I won’t vote again. That way, whoever comes out on top I can honestly say – “Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for ‘em”